Left or right? Stay longer in one place or continue my journey towards a new city? The last few weeks I noticed that I have been especially bad in making decisions. It is sometimes really difficult to deal with. What could be behind this?
One word showed up when writing the first few sentences: goal. What is my goal that I work towards? Which experiences do I desire? Which route I take is actually not so important in the end; clarity on a set destination is. I now realize that a conscious clarity in this area is lacking.
Let’s take a few steps back. With what goal did I came to India at the beginning of December? A few things actually and it was vivid, clear and gave me energy. I wanted to deepen my yoga to really understand what it is about and integrate aspects in my daily life. I wanted to find silence, think of my life and my journey so far as a lot has happened. I wanted to practice and deepen my meditation to get closer to myself and confront myself with everything I carry around. Lastly, more related to my hobby, I wanted to explore the local South Indian food ;).
A clear set of goals which should make it a lot easier. Well how to achieve these were still open when I arrived in India. A few days in I had to decide on wether to go to the Sivananda ashram in Kerala to practice yoga or to go into a 10 day vipassina silent retreat to find silence and practice my meditation. I couldn’t decide as I felt like going to the vipassina but on the other hand it also sounded way to intense for me. I figured, as both were on list, that if I first explore some yoga to tune my body and mind, I could always do the vipassina later. Is this running away from fear? Should I face it? Doubts were all over the place. I decide to do the yoga.
My experiences in the ashram I will discuss in a new post but my conclusion was that, although I met nice people, deepened my yoga, and learned a lot about South Indian culture, in many ways it was not what I hoped it to be. A mistake? Maybe but life is full of mistakes right :).
After leaving the ashram I had to decide what to do in the two weeks that I meetup with friends in Mumbai. Again, my mind shifted in all possible directions and many times I changed my plan 180 degrees. For example, what way to go to Mumbai. Night bus, night train, or 2 days traveling during the day? All are fine and only indirectly related to my main goals.
Why does it feel as if my head is in the clouds? Behind it is fear of making the wrong decision and feeling discomfort. Behind it is not knowing what is best for me. Behind it is not feeling connected with my heart. Behind it is doubting my feelings. There is lots of unrest that keeps coming up. In yoga, in meditation, and during everyday travel/life. The need to find more impulses to keep the mind busy. Because what happens when there is silence?
Finding silence means challenging this unrest and unease. It is painful. It is easy to give in and walk away. It also means that I haven’t found the right place yet to settle and explore this within myself. I could force it with a vipassina or I could follow the flow and trust that when the time is right, it will show itself to me.
To return to why I’m so bad at making decisions. My overarching goals are rather clear but the ‘how’ in combination with taking action is lacking. My mind is very busy in analyzing every good and bad aspect of a decision. It makes it impossible to connect with the heart and then finally take the action. This is all layered with lots of fear of making the ‘wrong’ decision. What does wrong mean in this context? For me it is feeling bad, feeling tired, feeling sad, feeling alone, and having regret. Basically feeling intense emotions combined with possible physical discomfort. Interesting, so the fear is based on experiencing all of these.
I can remind myself that it is oke to feel, it is oke to experience some discomfort. As a human you will not die from it, it actually makes you stronger and even gives the opportunity to challenge your mind. It is all a growth experience! What is worse is giving in to the easy way out. It stalls the growth and in the long run makes for an unsatisfactory life. The fear is the way!