I feel the tension and stress in every joint and tissue of my body. My internal struggles are pushing and pulling in a never-ending rhythm to deform the present moment. Right now is not how I want my life to look like. It is only causing me fear and sadness. I need to fix it as soon as possible. Every time I let these struggles take over, I lose myself in endless doomsday thoughts. My mind and body preparing to run away as soon as possible. I feel the sadness running through my heart.

“Why is this happening to me, what can I do to fix it, how to live life?”

Deep emptiness is revealing itself to me and staying truly present is tough. The urge to feed this emptiness with whatever is presently available is large even if these things are absolutely meaningless. At least the inner emptiness is then satisfied and the pain and sadness will slowly ease. But whenever silence and emptiness reveal themselves again, like a switch, the inner emptiness will activate again. It will stay hungry and devours everything on its path. The ongoing struggle is born.

To stay present and witness everything that evolves from inside is tough. Sometimes I run, sometimes I stay present. The core principle of this struggle is that currently “now” is not good enough and I reject my present reality. This creates tremendous friction and turmoil in my inner world. “Now” is just what it is and I have the choice to label it as “not good” and fight it, or I surrender and let life run through me with all it has to say. The funny thing is that the latter seems the most logical but requires by far the most faith and trust. It is to keep standing without knowing what is going to happen. To be here with open arms and welcome everything with a smile. That is not something I will learn in a few days but my heart knows it is the way.

My feelings of emptiness and turmoil in these situations also give me clear signs of what doesn’t feed my soul. My true longings rise from deep within and it paints a clear picture of what I want in life: playfulness, heart-centered connections, joy, meaningfulness, and warmth. It is recognizing that these things are already there. That they are often hidden in the tiny little things in life: a beautiful flower along the road, a message from a friend, the sun appearing from behind a cloud, but that sometimes I cannot connect to this deeper world. That with the endless mind-focused thoughts, the beauty of life fades to the background. It is recognizing in the silence and emptiness of the moment, that there is an opportunity to jump back in. To embrace all that life has to offer, even if it makes you cry of sadness. Maybe that it is the start of something new!

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