Love. Warming; pulsating in all veins. Radiating through your face. A smile. Your day is good. Uplifting feeling in the stomach. Nothing can go wrong; the sun seems to shine even brighter. The time flies. Words of love and compassion pass your mouth, expressed into this world. It is real. Something you thought was not possible, far from the truth, now here. You feel it with all your heart.
Wait… your mind starts to rush in countless thoughts. Instead of feeling warmth, secure, happy, your mind brings up anxiety and fear. “Am I good enough, is this real, is she playing a trick?”. Deeply buried emotions start to surface following the stronger intimate connection. The need to tell everything arises. Words cannot pass the barrier that the mind creates. Uncertainty, fear. It is as if something precious developed between us. Fragile. Ready to break at whatever disturbance is put into this space. “I don’t want to lose it. I finally have what I prayed for, or not?” Clinging to whatever exist.
“Is this normal? What is happening with me? Can this be healthy? How can I express all of what is happening inside of me?” The way is openness that is for sure. But why is this so difficult? The perception of myself is suddenly attached to us together. Only thinking of us going separate ways creates strong feelings of sadness and fear. “Wait, how did this so quickly happen?”
“I’m good as I am, I’m oke, I’m strong no matter what.” Affirmations run through me as a robot. “Why is this process of love so difficult? Why does it create such strong emotions that I hardly know how to deal with?” Strong judgement towards myself pours over me. “You should be stronger than this, you should not feel so much fear, I thought I had grown so much that I was stronger than this, that I could withstand the tests of love.”
Openness. Expressions in all its forms fill the sacred space between us. A tear, a laugh. Acceptance. The energy is lifted. But time is running out. Not more than a few hours to go. Paths are separating. The heart needs to let go fast. A hug, a kiss. Resistance is lifted. Away. Life turns into a new direction. Alone. In whatever way it is meant to go. Each story is a chapter. Memories. A part of life. A smile with tears in your eyes of what could have been.