Day 6 – 15: Subjective Reality

Day 6 – 15: Subjective Reality

The last 10 days went by in a rush. It is sometimes difficult to broaden your scope when work is demanding and attaching you to the objective side. Sometimes the simulator perspective bubbles up and makes we amazed on the details and curious on all the people around me. In general the two topics on “Trust” and “Playfulness” stood out to me.

Trust

Trusting life is something vital for your day to day balance. How much do you trust that everything will work out? I must admit this topic is not easy for me. I notice the way I want to control everything with a weird feeling of fear. Somehow I want to protect myself from something. But what? Could it be the painful emotions? The following quote of Steve landed with me “A lack of trust prohibits the development of your story”.

How is this true? Of course you are less likely to be involved in new opportunities if you cannot trust. So what do I fear? This is not easy to confess if I’m honest. It hurts and I feel ashamed of it. This shame is something important to express in some form. This could be saying it out loud or writing it down. It is trusting your reality to support you. Letting the energy flow.

What if you would look at the controller’s perspective? The person that is “pushing” the buttons in the control room of your simulation. Well, I can imagine that he wants the see some action. At least that I am responding to the events that he is creating. How would your controller look like? And what does he want to do with your life? I think my controller is someone who is relaxed but definitely eager to stretch me. He provides many events that make me reflect on myself, what I want from life, and what is the most important right now.

“A lack of trust prohibits the development of your story”

Steve pavlina

Returning to my fears and shames. I admit that I am shamed of my current emotional stability often covered up with my sometimes obsessive nature on food. I start to realise that I use it to feel comfortable again. You know that cold winter day and you long for a nice hot chocolade milk to feel warm again. Or when you feel a bit unease or stress coming up you want that nice cappuccino with apple pie. Well that is basically me. I sometimes feel that I need to fill up the emptiness inside my stomach. It might be to cover up the emotional emptiness. I have a lot of difficulty in actually finding comfort with just being me. Although I regularly do meditation and inner reflection, I keep on walking away. I fear the negative and painful emotions. The funny thing is that meditation is the thing that brings it up again and again. Sitting still is uncomfortable. Just being with yourself is uncomfortable. The good thing is that I do notice this pattern. The hard part is slowly moving away from it. Is this something you also can relate to? What do you do when stressing is hitting?

I have to acknowledge that one thing I struggle with a lot these days is not being in a relationship. Sometimes I feel ashamed of it, other days I don’t understand, and regularly I’m afraid of just being alone. I look at other couples on the street wondering how it would be to have an intimate being next to me. I see a relationship as the solution to my emptiness but is that actually true? Is that a good start of a new relationship?

Playfulness

What are you doing to have fun? To be playful? That is the question Steve asked. Wait what…to have fun…? I was a little shocked when this question appeared in front of me. Do I have something that I like…? This started an avalanche of questions: what is fun? What do I like to do?What am I doing right now that I don’t like? Am I too strict, disciplined and serious in life? Is there a different agenda for each thing? Am I balanced? Am I too protective and lacking trust?

“What does liking an activity mean?”. Words as “flow”, “energy”, “happiness” pop in my mind.

After some hesitation I grabbed my journal and started writing. What do I do for fun: writing, walking, reading a book, creating Grasshopper tutorials, watch serie on Netflix, talking and having dinner with friends, cooking, meditation, challenges, exploring bookstore and local farmer’s market… Oke, but what about why I do all this? Is this really because I like it or due to something else I want to achieve? To keep my ego protected with the external activities.

I lost my thoughts in which things are something I truly like. So I asked the question: “what does liking an activity mean?”. Words as “flow”, “energy”, “happiness” pop in my mind. So not struggling along and needing to ‘power’ through, but enjoying it in a relax and playful manner. I think I can describe my writing, walking, and cooking to this. All feel rather natural to me and without much effort I start doing them. With writing it follows often after a feeling of really wanting to express myself, to help other people, and to articulate my foggy brain in a straight way. Walking is the same. I just naturally do: evening walks, walking to work, Sunday morning walks, hiking holidays, and walking pelgrimages. So what makes walking so special? I truly like the rhythm of it, the slow speed that makes you come down to earth. It’s a great exercise to test your patience and improve on it. I too have much to learn.

I encourage you to also ask the same questions: what do you do right now? What do you like to do and why are you doing them? The answers might surprise you.

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