A winter jacket

A winter jacket

For months my winter jacket had been lingering between dead and alive. With increasing frequency the zipper started to fail more and more often, until a few weeks ago when it suddenly broke. Sometimes I tried to get the two parts of my jacket connected in a proper way for minutes. Somehow I accepted the waste of time. It was just at the border of being comfortable. Not bothering me enough to take the effort and buying a new jacket.

I recently started to connect this with other parts of life. Isn’t this something you see reoccurring many times? How often do you have this feeling? Could it be that you accept your current job, that you actually hate but pays your bills? Or maybe your relationship, that at times is annoying but you tolerate as the unknown is even more frighting? Or could it be something simple as an item or product that you are using but actually makes you more stressed and irritated?

Making the step to finally do something about this is difficult. It takes tremendous courage of confronting the pain and to put time and energy into it. I assume that many agree on how good the other side can be. That if you look back, you wonder where the perseverance came from. How could you attach yourself so intensely to the past situation?

I’m puzzled on how long I have been dragging that old winter jacket with me. Irritating the crap out of me and eating my precious energy.

When I finally pulled the trigger (well I had to because the old one was unusable) and ordered the jacket online, I expected to be relieved after it arrived: finally something that was working! However, something inside me started to panic. The bright bordeaux coloured jacket covered me in a totally different way then my old jacket. I noticed that my ego was being attacked. It was screaming loudly that I changed of appearance. That this jacket doesn’t fit the image of how I want to expose myself to the outside world. My mind was picturing scenarios of people judging me. I felt the fear moving up from my stomach to my lungs. Did I made a huge mistake in buying this jacket online? I didn’t know but it felt like it. I decided that I keep it and see how I liked it after a few days.

The weeks after this incident I slowly started to get accustomed to the new jacket. I received some positive response which boosted my confidence. This example illustrates so clearly the way I am ‘programmed’. I long for external affirmation in order to feel relaxed and confident. An area that I have to keep working on.

Are you able to identify such processes in your life?

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